The Kratos Ballad of Doom!
by Life Returns
Summary: This is the ballad that was in The Randomest Day in 4,000 Years. It is the inaccurate story of how Kratos met Magnius' group, as told by Yuan.


**Hello, readers! Due to your demand for this wonderful ballad, I have posted! Yes, yes I have! Woo-hoo. Anyway, Yuan wrote this song that inaccurately describes how Kratos met Magnius' group. Rotaks interrupted this song in Chapter 20 of "The Randomest Day in 4,000 Years" on line 16. There 141 lines in this ballad, and yes, I will admit, some times I just needed a rhyme and wrote stupid things that made no sense. But that's what you expect, isn't it…?**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own ToS or purple air. Purple air belongs to Sesshy is sexii. I borrowed it. Oh, Sesshy…update, DAMMIT.**

Before he met up with the Magnius clan,

He decided to issue an alcohol ban

And was beaten to death by a villager fair,

But he was resurrected by purple air

Kratos decided to dance until noon

But accidentally blew up the moon

And he laughed and he laughed well into the night

Where he got into another fight,

But he won this one, for he threw a plate

At the man and finished with "Blame your fate!"  
Which caused all his fangirls to faint and to scream

And Kratos escaped to a balancing beam,

Where he fell off and nearly broke his arm

It was there he decided to start up a farm

It had cows, geese and chickens, vegetables too

But he wanted to grow a legume that was blue

And watered his plants with coloring dye

But he clumsily got some of it in his eye

So he ran in a circle and washed out the stuff

When he opened his eyes, he found he'd been handcuffed

And angrily broke them with angelic might

And beat the policemen to death with a kite

When the poor man died Kratos burned down his new hobby

And ran away crying, yelling something about Bobby

When he suddenly realized he had a son

And went off to find him and tripped on a gun

So he picked it up and looked at it for a while

And aimed it at a random crocodile

The gunshot rang out, very loud, very clear

For Kratos had shot the reptile in the ear

And the crocodile cried, for what would you do

If some random angel was shooting at you?

So he waddled away, still crying and sad

And Kratos didn't really feel very bad

But he dropped the gun somewhere that will not be said

And the gun fell onto some random squirrel's head

The blow killed the rodent and the funeral was held

Then Kratos decided to learn how to weld

But the very same squirrels stripped him of his dream

And the night was pierced by a quite anguished scream

That went on and on for hours on end

Before the squirrels tired and attempted to bend

A tree but the angel, who was thinking quite fast,

Cut the tree down, leaving squirrels in the past

And their squirrely screeches came to a stop

When Kratos beat them to death with a mop

For the fall hadn't killed them as was thought the first time,

And I need all these verses to match and to rhyme

But Kratos didn't care about the authoress at all,

Even though she had the power to make him not tall

And he danced and he sang and he ate some peanuts

When he caught the odd stench of cigarette butts

And looked behind him, shocked to find

That the death of the squirrels summoned all of squirrelkind!

He got a head start, screaming, "WHY, GOD, WHY"

When he remembered he had wings and could fly

So he took to the sky and he floated away

And he didn't stop 'till he had reached Bombay

Where he picked up some curry and ate it with glee

Until he remembered he was looking for Lloydie

And dumped the stuff out and ran into the street

Where he was trampled to death by people with feet

But the purple air came and Kratos was back

Except for one thing: His hair was black

So he cried and he cried till the night had fallen

When he heard the ramen stand down the street callin'

And he tripped on a rock on his way over there

When he sat up he screamed for he was high in the air!

He screamed and he screamed but then he had a shock:

There were dozens of geese flying by in a flock

So he took out his sword and he cut them to bits

And he danced in the air, for his armor still fits

Even though it's still purple, which makes him look gay

But back to the past tense now, up and away!

So Kratos re-remembered he could indeed fly

And popped out his wings and he danced through the sky

Though disco was dead, that was what he danced

And since no one was there, he would never be pantsed

Although that makes me wonder, was he teased as a child

And if so did they sic on him dogs that were wild?

But enough of this tangent, back to the plot

He discovered Forcystus who was smoking pot

And screaming about something so precious to him

It warped his poor mind and killed his friend Jim

So Kratos deceived the poor little man

And sent him to Yuan, who ate a tin can

That was labeled in languages foreign to all

But he called it "Italian" and threw a red ball

Which exploded into tiny, shrapnelly bits

And even cut into Regal's oven mitts

So he started to cry and in a flash of rage

He put on a dress and went on a rampage

And was joined by Origin, right on the spot

In a dress with a giant, blue-purpley spot

They were crushed by a barrel that was thrown from afar

And Zelos screamed "BULLSEYE" and danced with a jar

While Sheena ran by with chickeny death

And Magnius following, beer on his breath

Mithos did a dance just like disco of old

And Lloydie complained that his feet were quite cold

So Kratos performed the "best" fatherly act:

Threw his son in the fire with wisdom and tact

Or that was what he claimed, in reality

Kratos had roasted his poor Lloydie

But Raine was passing by at that very time

And she noticed on the ground a rotten, old lime

So she picked up and threw it straight into the air

And it landed in poor dead Lloydie-chan's hair

And Kratos' son came back from the dead

And Genis proceeded to hit him on the head

When Colette and her grandma, two devils from hell,

Happened by and put Origin under a spell

Which immediately broke, for Origin was

King of the Summons (the crowd was abuzz

With hysteria, laughing at Origin's frock)

And Kratos re-spotted the dead goose flock

But now they were zombies and chock-full of wrath

So Kratos forced them all to take a long bath

Full of huge bubbles, pink, smelly and blah

While a bird in a tree let out a loud "caw"

Which scared the half-elves Genis and Raine

And put them in a frenzy of hunger and pain

So they both ate a sammich and suddenly cried

"There yonder lies Camelot, after all that we've tried!"

So they all had a party and Kratos said this:

"I think I will join your strange group my young miss"

But Magnius stated that he was a man

And Regal and Origin did the can-can

While Presea and Fifi plotted demise

Mithos ran by with two tacks in his eyes

And nobody helped him for he was not loved

So the authoress turned him into a dove

But Botta came by and everyone screamed

Except Yuan who opened a can of whipped cream

And he sprayed it all over Kratos' hair

Which made it look bad much to fangirls' despair

So the fangirls were slaughtered one by one

At the end of the day they had had lots of fun

And so Kratos went off with his several new friends

And this, my fair readers, is this ballad's sad end.

_THE END._

**Well, there you go. 141 lines of madness! I hope you enjoyed it!**


End file.
